9 Reasons Why Facebook is the Land of Relationship Passive Aggression

#1 Want to stick it to your ex. Change your facebook status to "single"...instead of just leaving it blank...so that the world will know and brave souls will comment on it.

#2 Want to prove to your ex that your life is interesting and meaningful without him or her? Take 5,000 pictures of you and some boring shit, turn it into an album and make it seem like the most interesting thing in the world.

#3 Want to let that special someone know that they are not special to you anymore? Make your profile picture one with you and a hot guy/girl.

#4 After an argument with ex, post “I hate this…need to move on with my life” as your status. Then watch as the 4 or 5 people in your inner circle…people who know the drama going on in the relationship…co-sign and comment on said status update with messages like “yeah, you can do better” or “yeah, not even worth it” or “let’s go to the bars, this is bullshit”…all while people who don’t really know 100% realize what is going, what your status meant, and can see the obvious shit that is taking place on your page right now. Wait until ex confronts you about said wall post…then deny that you were even talking about him/her.

#5 Want to annoy that guy or girl who didn't call you back? Post flirty messages on the wall of some cute guy or girl who your ex doesn't know...and wait for said random guy or girl to post flirty messages back on your wall.

#6 Take the time to go through and un-tag yourself from any happy pictures of you and your ex…in hopes of deleting any record of that person from your life. Guess what: facebook isn’t “eternal sunshine of a spotless mind” asshole.

#7a If you’re a guy…go to club every night, even Wednesday. Take pictures with tons of hot girls. Take pictures of you grabbing hot girls’ asses. Take pictures of you taking a Jell-O shot off of a hot girls stomach or neck. Post said pictures onto facebook. Yeah, that’ll show her you weren’t a lying, cheating, sleazy douchebag.

#7b If you’re a girl. Go to club every night, even Sunday. Take pictures with tons of hot guys. Take pictures of guys taking a Jell-O shot off of your stomach or neck. Take shit-faced pictures of you and some random hot guy in VIP. Post said pictures onto facebook. Yeah, that’ll show him you were wife material.

#8 RSVP to EVERY event you’re invited to on facebook…including the Westminster Dog Show after party at the Kennel Club…to show your ex that you’re leading a busy, fulfilled life without him or her.

#9 Go into your account settings and change your ex’s profile settings. This includes: allowing the ex to view your profile but not write on your wall; allowing the ex to view profile page but not your pictures; or…the most passive aggressive of all…completely blocking them from your facebook page so that all they’ll see is the light blue outline of a face when they search your name.

If you have done any of this, that makes you an asshole. Stop it.

An Open Letter to the MTA

Dear MTA:

1. The 14th street station is NOT a transfer point between the 1-2-3 trains and the F-V trains. It takes about 20 minutes the schlep from one track to the other. Stop lying MTA. It is an easier and quicker to walk above ground, cross the avenue, and enter at the opposite entrance.

2. All A trains are not made equal. One goes to Far Rockaway. The other to Lefferts. And Lefferts is the same as Ozone Park. And sometimes it just goes to Rockaway Park. Only the Far Rock and Rockaway Park trains go to JFK. Having fun yet?

3. The express train never waits for people to transfer from the local train before it leaves. And I'm always on the local train, looking homeless and pathetic when the express leaves.

4. I never believe the asshole conductor when he/she says "This train is out of service. The train across the platform will leave first. " I switch trains, and that asshole in the train is WAS IN before hits me with the "standclearclosingdoors" and leaves before me.

5. New Commandments: #11 People shall audition before being allowed to perform either in the station or on the trains. #12 Parents of all children tapdancing and flipping on the train shall be put in jail. #13 Anyone caught banging the bottom of garbage cans and calling it music shall be arrested.

6. Anyone in the train station with a "help the homeless" sign that is typed and printed on stock or resume paper deserves to get kicked in the head.

7. Stop with the "No tokens" on the turnstyle. Nobody has used tokens since 1946.

8. There shouldn't be an electronics store inside Times Square station. When was the last time you were switching trains, and just then realized you needed headphones or the Michael Jackson commemorative video set?

8a. Ditch electronics store but keep televisions with boxing and kung fu movies. That's 10 seconds of entertainment I wouldn't otherwise enjoy.

9. Rename the 63rd and Lex station "Hell". It's 5 million feet underground and you have the nerve to have steps in the station. And I'm tired of The Devil disabling the escalator, and then trading souls for an elevator ride to street level. I've run out of souls to give up. Next time he's gonna remember me.

Truth Hurts